Whut Thee Phuk Do I Do?
Does this make sense to you? Can you relate?
Thru the last three almost four years I have learned to be more assertive. more calm in response, although some things still shock the shit out of my anxiety like marriage for one. this word has had such an effect and my visions of past events, yes, PAST (i shouldn't be) but i do go there. and i know i need not to. there are subjects more touchy than others when communicating with a kane and finances is one. and then there are those topics that he is 'safe' to speak about around him. i mean when will i feel comfortable enough to know that YOU are completely with me WITHOUT using me in ANY type of way.
and although these last couple years have been hard, I have grown. For us. For Q. it sucks to constantly feel sad vs. accomplished after communicating sensitive topics. on a scale of 1 - 10 in communication we are about a 6. i mean, we need work. and maybe i need to rethink my questions...
i asked him 'will i be paying for the wedding'? and this is coming after i just watched nappily ever after. emotional defensive reaction is what i get. but he does not think so.
"is my disability to you a "perk" in your eyes? and then this caregiver thing is throwing me off. I NEVER knew at 35 i would EVER need a caregiver. and once Q found out he jumped on it. i mean, im still shocked about this topic really because i am heading toward a phase of my life where i have to prove how not ptsd i am or am not. and trying to differentiate the two to people, anyone, even Q is difficult.
You know, he triggered me a lot when we first got together. i was able to get over them intimately. and now that i am intimately comfy with Q, enough so to let him know i still like porn, i mean that right there is pretty intimate. now that all of you know, who gives a fudge. I am who i am an di will make sure to improve me the best i can for us to communicate, but if there is some invisible barrier, REALLY, to your heart that makes you still after 5 years react defensively the way you do is like you asking me, should you trust me by now? well, not really. people who get snap reactions about things usually are at a defense for a reason. It puts me on edge. and i leave with a take away of 'i hope he understands me the next time around'. "make sure to rephrase your questions as to NOT offend".
and that is the part of me that is the ass hole.
because when i think of how i asked you the question, after going back and reanalyzing it many times, i can see where the reaction comes from. i look back and tell myself 'damn i should have asked that in a different way'. it is never my intent to make you be on the defense and i guess that is the part about relationships i want to understand. i do not want a reaction that leads to us being sad. which it usually does. and then i feel bad. and then it goes somewhere else. and then it is a circle of emotions because he starts picking the negative words out of the whole sentence of improvement i put out there. it is like 'ninja, i literally just motivated our relationship and you no see' ESPECIALLY if I'm giving you all the access and security codes... when i love i love hard as hell. when i care i care hard. i just do not want to push for understanding so much that it ruins us.
the reassurance game is a sensitive one. it DOES matter how you respond to a Wahines questions...
Even more so "how do you really know how you are when you are not outside looking in. you are around those that highly respect you so of course if i were to speak out they will always defend you. i KNEW i had issues coming in. but you sit here and act as if you are perfect. like you have nothing wrong.
it is only how i feel. right. you see, the first and only time i allowed anyone to have financial access, i was HIGHLY taken advantage of. not saying Q will do the same. but i start looking at his track record & my appreciation for him skyrockets. It always does. so when i ask questions for reassurance, just give me a direct answer, or ask me to rephrase or let me know we can talk about. reassure me that it will be alright because we both got this. confidently. it is as if im looking for motivation to help make me feel like I AM the one you want to be with. yes, the questions i ask may hurt because i understand hurt completely. and have seen adn felt it many times. would i like to be the over sensitive one that has reassurance issues, NO. I peep where the disconnect is coming from.
and since you are the one that akua has blessed me with i can only say i want more connection than ever. especially if i am giving my all, literally, to him.
all this to say, yes, it scares me shitless to get married. i wish i felt we were on the same communication paths. So what do i do? I can go back to therapy for more clarity of myself? but if I am the only one growing mentally and he is not, then where will we be?
Thru the last three almost four years I have learned to be more assertive. more calm in response, although some things still shock the shit out of my anxiety like marriage for one. this word has had such an effect and my visions of past events, yes, PAST (i shouldn't be) but i do go there. and i know i need not to. there are subjects more touchy than others when communicating with a kane and finances is one. and then there are those topics that he is 'safe' to speak about around him. i mean when will i feel comfortable enough to know that YOU are completely with me WITHOUT using me in ANY type of way.
and although these last couple years have been hard, I have grown. For us. For Q. it sucks to constantly feel sad vs. accomplished after communicating sensitive topics. on a scale of 1 - 10 in communication we are about a 6. i mean, we need work. and maybe i need to rethink my questions...
i asked him 'will i be paying for the wedding'? and this is coming after i just watched nappily ever after. emotional defensive reaction is what i get. but he does not think so.
"is my disability to you a "perk" in your eyes? and then this caregiver thing is throwing me off. I NEVER knew at 35 i would EVER need a caregiver. and once Q found out he jumped on it. i mean, im still shocked about this topic really because i am heading toward a phase of my life where i have to prove how not ptsd i am or am not. and trying to differentiate the two to people, anyone, even Q is difficult.
You know, he triggered me a lot when we first got together. i was able to get over them intimately. and now that i am intimately comfy with Q, enough so to let him know i still like porn, i mean that right there is pretty intimate. now that all of you know, who gives a fudge. I am who i am an di will make sure to improve me the best i can for us to communicate, but if there is some invisible barrier, REALLY, to your heart that makes you still after 5 years react defensively the way you do is like you asking me, should you trust me by now? well, not really. people who get snap reactions about things usually are at a defense for a reason. It puts me on edge. and i leave with a take away of 'i hope he understands me the next time around'. "make sure to rephrase your questions as to NOT offend".
and that is the part of me that is the ass hole.
because when i think of how i asked you the question, after going back and reanalyzing it many times, i can see where the reaction comes from. i look back and tell myself 'damn i should have asked that in a different way'. it is never my intent to make you be on the defense and i guess that is the part about relationships i want to understand. i do not want a reaction that leads to us being sad. which it usually does. and then i feel bad. and then it goes somewhere else. and then it is a circle of emotions because he starts picking the negative words out of the whole sentence of improvement i put out there. it is like 'ninja, i literally just motivated our relationship and you no see' ESPECIALLY if I'm giving you all the access and security codes... when i love i love hard as hell. when i care i care hard. i just do not want to push for understanding so much that it ruins us.
the reassurance game is a sensitive one. it DOES matter how you respond to a Wahines questions...
Even more so "how do you really know how you are when you are not outside looking in. you are around those that highly respect you so of course if i were to speak out they will always defend you. i KNEW i had issues coming in. but you sit here and act as if you are perfect. like you have nothing wrong.
it is only how i feel. right. you see, the first and only time i allowed anyone to have financial access, i was HIGHLY taken advantage of. not saying Q will do the same. but i start looking at his track record & my appreciation for him skyrockets. It always does. so when i ask questions for reassurance, just give me a direct answer, or ask me to rephrase or let me know we can talk about. reassure me that it will be alright because we both got this. confidently. it is as if im looking for motivation to help make me feel like I AM the one you want to be with. yes, the questions i ask may hurt because i understand hurt completely. and have seen adn felt it many times. would i like to be the over sensitive one that has reassurance issues, NO. I peep where the disconnect is coming from.
and since you are the one that akua has blessed me with i can only say i want more connection than ever. especially if i am giving my all, literally, to him.
all this to say, yes, it scares me shitless to get married. i wish i felt we were on the same communication paths. So what do i do? I can go back to therapy for more clarity of myself? but if I am the only one growing mentally and he is not, then where will we be?
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