Talk. Its Life.

       September 6th 2019... The day I finally decided to move forward from a relationship that got so toxic behind doors that, no, I could not function. I remember stating that in one of my blog posts how "If a Kane cannot respect that time & bond it will show. Thus #MoveForward". This time and bond I speak of was the time needed to therapy the self to improve and the bond comes from wanting to bond more with someone who just did not want that back. And it happened... I had to make the decision, a very hard one, to leave my relationship knowing that I am worth more than what was being presented to me.         Since I left I have gotten a lot of motivational words from others. I have found my own support and I started my maintenance therapy here in Vegas. But the true support I need is from myself. To look inward and realize I Am More Than This Situation. Its hard. To be the newly separated one. In Vegas of all flippin places. And even being in Vegas was not my decision

#MotherlyRant As someone who was raised Foster System Military Brat gone Marine May I please ask; Are we further than this yet? Or do we hit a communication breach where I am the "go to" for shit talk and someone else is getting the Intellectual talk that I Crave In Any Kane. Slap on the inconsistent days of not brushing his teeth or washing his akole... Which, by the way Men, also goes in to some of the reasons why it is hard for a Wahine to be intimate. Where is the motivation to do better?  In our society, our Kane really have to have higher standards of living for themselves. Going thru life feeling entitled to a Wahine cleaning up after your every beckoned trash bit and hair clip has gotten redundant in this Millennial Veteran eye. I mean, who thought of Wahines solely being the care takers of grown men who can fully function on their own? Oooh the perks of Life to be a Kane and have a Wahine constantly cleaning up and catering to your every need.  And I

I created such a busy schedule for myself since we landed in Vegas. It has gotten to the point where now I avoid my fiance at times. Tired of being emotional. So I network. To keep my mind busy. To keep me going productively. To get me to where I need to be. A steady mind at this point brings nothing but uncomfortable thoughts, impatience, uneasiness & sadness for everything endured. Detoxing this pain has been exhausting.  So I do what I do best. I put on that lovely smile everyone seems to care so much for and talk. To random people all the time. Trying to figure out the city scene can get complicating and uncomfortable. Considering I have been in this game for over ten years now makes it worth the un-comfort. I find myself gaining opportunities with an underlined unhappiness about my personal relationship. Wondering where will we be in the next couple months sticks vividly in my head.  Outside support can get tricky. The VA can be untrustworthy, Talking to fri

Aloha Everyone, Since the spontaneous move to Vegas I wake up with feelings of nauseousness many days. I feel like crying at random times and my anxiety is constant. Lately it has been a struggle of belief. You know, words hold merit with me and I am constantly wondering why. Hearing things be repeated time after time of hearing the same thing from the same person will leave anyone in a confused state of mind & believing them. It has come to me that I am more detached to my relationship because of this and I am not sure when I will be back. I remember living with my sis in law and we got into a tiff. It was over the dishes and petty and ended up with her telling me to get out. So, I did. For the last year now I been hearing the push away statements from my very own lover. Who has also decided to take the denial route with whatever I come to him with. Being laid off for two years can be tough on any relationship, but when a partner has taken complete and utter pity on himself,

Its like i'm waiting for the time to run out to another Unknown that leaves me filled with much anxiety. The calming I need right now. The security I seek. The positive vibes I have been longing for. You know, i do not mean to be such a bitch about things but everyone has their breaking point. Or with me, losing patience. Losing patience to a timeline. A timeline that keeps my mind ticking. A timeline that ends with... Where will I be? What will I do? Where will I live with my girls? And because i was raised in the foster system of this god forsaken place, I have that urge and need for a Home and Security. You know, this nation would be a much better place if the greedy were not that greedy. It is just that simple. You have enough money to replenish EVERYONE in America including homeless and you do nothing to make a change? whuuu? The mentality of it all sickens me. I see where it can trickle to the other men in many cultures who take to the "white man" ways. All I h

I wake this am feeling a bit low. It is a common thing when you go thru so much. It weighs on you like a ton of bricks. Then you have to figure out how to get out of it. As a Veteran with PTS and Survivor of multiple traumas, it is a task getting the mind back on a Positive track. Keeping those around you to help you stay sane for one it always good. And also having those around you who will support you and the emotional waves. It is not a bad thing. But at my age I am asking myself... Who Am I? I was told you can invent yourself three times over in Vegas. Well, if that is the case, Creative outlets will benefit my Soul. Dance will benefit my Free Spirit. And Singing will allow me to access the Voice I have longed to find. Vegas...

I'm worn out. Emotionally. Mentally. I am left feeling I have no clue who I am anymore. I mean, I feel I mean well. I feel I would do anyting for the ones I love. I feel that. But now I am faced with a one question that is bothering the soul in me... Who am I? And that is yet to be discovered...

Aloha nui Lovie Faces! Let’s talk story, Since October my ohana and I have been dwelling with ohana members. Much appreciated gestures yes. But I find myself really frustrated many times. I know it is because we do not have a place of our own again yet & I think to myself “to have a place we can call home would be nice”... I say to myself “one day my girls will both have a room of their own, one day I will be able to walk around butt naked in my own comfort, one day we will find a place to call home. That’s a Promise” So for this of you that are having hard financial times, I know all about it. Ask yourself: do you have your own place? does your kids have their own room & bed? Maybe even some food in the ice box? Do you have a steady job? And these are the basics of building a Ohana. Whether you have or not, take time to send Prayers & Blessings. You never know what anyone is going thru. SN: Having less has truly opened my eyes on many levels. -

It has been a hard road emotionally. I wake up depressed more in hopes of comfort. I cry at night like a child that needs her mother with no where in sight. I turn to myself a lot to find comfort within because I am not sure who to turn to. At times I am confused. At times I wonder why. At times I just sit in the dark and cry.     

If I Had IT My Way we would connect in our bed no worries in the world the bed is where all spiritual vibes lay their head if i had it my way we would wake up skin to skin no worries in the world start the day out with a good Vibes within if had it my way arms would wrap around me for comfort not pity no worries in the world no waking up feeling shitty If i had it my way i would smile thru the day no worries in the world no ‘somethings wrong with her again’ they say If i had it my way i would never feel lonely no worries in the world many would say she is our only if i had it my way i would be free no worries in the world pressures of being me in life would not sting like a bee if i had it my way i would dance all day no worries in the world I envision my hips and arms in a gentle sway if i had it my way my traumas would disappear no worries in the world look it is lena, i am back, i am here if i had it my way my mind would feel relief no worries in the world no fighting between fake f