Do You Hear My Plea?

-

I created such a busy schedule for myself since we landed in Vegas. It has gotten to the point where now I avoid my fiance at times. Tired of being emotional. So I network. To keep my mind busy. To keep me going productively. To get me to where I need to be. A steady mind at this point brings nothing but uncomfortable thoughts, impatience, uneasiness & sadness for everything endured. Detoxing this pain has been exhausting.  So I do what I do best. I put on that lovely smile everyone seems to care so much for and talk. To random people all the time. Trying to figure out the city scene can get complicating and uncomfortable. Considering I have been in this game for over ten years now makes it worth the un-comfort. I find myself gaining opportunities with an underlined unhappiness about my personal relationship. Wondering where will we be in the next couple months sticks vividly in my head. 
Outside support can get tricky. The VA can be untrustworthy, Talking to friends and family seems always one sided. People will always tell you to "leave that dude" & "you know you can do it yourself" & "You do not need him for your survival. What are you waiting for". And they are right. What AM I waiting for. Then you have to weigh the support by demographics. Christians hold the 'Serve the man, feed the man, support the man, all we do is for the man' type of talk. Then the single support is always gunning for me to be single and independent. Like... I know I can do this without him. But what point is that going to prove to my daughters?
I want to prove that I Tried to Be Happy. That is all I can do right now. Is try. And keep trying.  There is a loss of emotional feeling. Confusions on repeat make me disassociate myself. But I do not allow that feeling to take over. You know, being in the position I am in poses a lot of anxiety. I not only have to dodge the multiple attitudes of the homeowner but also watch my back of any backlash i might receive whether spoken or unspoken. The anxiety of walking around some place where I am truly NOT wanted are vibes I am eager to free myself of. I wake up every day on a twin mattress with my youngest Arai usually by my side and Aria at the end of the bed on her own little palette. I start my mornings for the last 4 days with Prayer and Meditation. I cry a lot during or after. And if I am feeling super emotional I cry before too. Heck why not. I cry randomly throughout my day too. It is insane.  I am ready for our own space again God. Do you hear me?




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mom on COVID Quarantine

-
Image
       It dawns on me how much I miss my girls when you cannot touch them. Although they are in the same apartment, not even 20 feet away, I cannot touch them. I cannot hug them or kiss them. I can see them. But that is different than an actual touch. It reminds me of the Pandemic and how many people out there are deprived of just that. A intimate connection. A touch. A feel of love that has been neglected to us by COVID and "Social Distancing". I am sure everyone is over it by now. But the pandemic reigns on. Now, I am in my 4th day of quarantine having tested positive. And it doesnt really matter how careful one person thinks they are, who you stay away from or how many time you wash your hands or sanitize. This virus is around and well.        Having to social distance has many in a rut. having to fight the temptations within to just go out and do what we want, which I am sure people still do anyway. But now, having caught this virus, it makes me look at the world differen
Read more

From A Bad to Good Kakahiaka

-
Image
Aloha Kakahiaka All this early Friday Morning. SO as many of you know or will know, I am a Veteran & Survivor of many traumas in my life. I wake up here and there with different moods because of my vivid dreams of insanity. Many times its irritating to come out of such sleep but I'm getting better. I just had a dream. It was confusing and sad at the same time. There was a empty house at first and myself and my fiance were getting ready to go somewhere important. THEN, everything switched. It was like people, people I didn't even know, all around me. In the Living room, behind the walls, in hiding spots in the house, the hall ways etc. And then another part of the dream added babies. I'm waling thru the hallway with all these people ignoring me as I ask"where is Sirquon? We have to go?". And it was like no one was listening to me or hearing me. It was as if I wasn't even there. Throughout my dream i got frustrated and then sad because i felt he, Sirqu
Read more

All Around The World The Same Song

-
Image
Aloha All reading this. It has been one heck of a day! I got a lot accomplished though. Yey me. BUT! There were certain things that kinda got to me, I Prayed for and let go. One thing that gets to me is the ignorance in our Media. SOOOOOO much of the Media in the US has overpoured to other countries with the same nonsense going on. Its an EVERY day thing just having to wake up and find out our Dumbass President said more stupid shit to raise more tempers and hate and literally push policies and bills that are no where near for the "people" of America. What else gets me is that people, such as Kellyanne Conway & the rest of his wonderful aristocrats, stay defending him by overtalking & redirecting questions into stupid facts which sound pretty aweful because like myself, I am SURE many Americans out there are STILL waiting for you to Answer The Question. Not deflect with the psycho motive attitude of control & condescending smiles on your FACE! And THEN!!!!
Read more