Do You Hear My Plea?

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I created such a busy schedule for myself since we landed in Vegas. It has gotten to the point where now I avoid my fiance at times. Tired of being emotional. So I network. To keep my mind busy. To keep me going productively. To get me to where I need to be. A steady mind at this point brings nothing but uncomfortable thoughts, impatience, uneasiness & sadness for everything endured. Detoxing this pain has been exhausting.  So I do what I do best. I put on that lovely smile everyone seems to care so much for and talk. To random people all the time. Trying to figure out the city scene can get complicating and uncomfortable. Considering I have been in this game for over ten years now makes it worth the un-comfort. I find myself gaining opportunities with an underlined unhappiness about my personal relationship. Wondering where will we be in the next couple months sticks vividly in my head. 
Outside support can get tricky. The VA can be untrustworthy, Talking to friends and family seems always one sided. People will always tell you to "leave that dude" & "you know you can do it yourself" & "You do not need him for your survival. What are you waiting for". And they are right. What AM I waiting for. Then you have to weigh the support by demographics. Christians hold the 'Serve the man, feed the man, support the man, all we do is for the man' type of talk. Then the single support is always gunning for me to be single and independent. Like... I know I can do this without him. But what point is that going to prove to my daughters?
I want to prove that I Tried to Be Happy. That is all I can do right now. Is try. And keep trying.  There is a loss of emotional feeling. Confusions on repeat make me disassociate myself. But I do not allow that feeling to take over. You know, being in the position I am in poses a lot of anxiety. I not only have to dodge the multiple attitudes of the homeowner but also watch my back of any backlash i might receive whether spoken or unspoken. The anxiety of walking around some place where I am truly NOT wanted are vibes I am eager to free myself of. I wake up every day on a twin mattress with my youngest Arai usually by my side and Aria at the end of the bed on her own little palette. I start my mornings for the last 4 days with Prayer and Meditation. I cry a lot during or after. And if I am feeling super emotional I cry before too. Heck why not. I cry randomly throughout my day too. It is insane.  I am ready for our own space again God. Do you hear me?




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