Seperated, Brokenhearted & Finding My Way

       September 6th 2019... The day I finally decided to move forward from a relationship that got so toxic behind doors that, no, I could not function. I remember stating that in one of my blog posts how "If a Kane cannot respect that time & bond it will show. Thus #MoveForward". This time and bond I speak of was the time needed to therapy the self to improve and the bond comes from wanting to bond more with someone who just did not want that back. And it happened... I had to make the decision, a very hard one, to leave my relationship knowing that I am worth more than what was being presented to me. 
       Since I left I have gotten a lot of motivational words from others. I have found my own support and I started my maintenance therapy here in Vegas. But the true support I need is from myself. To look inward and realize I Am More Than This Situation. Its hard. To be the newly separated one. In Vegas of all flippin places. And even being in Vegas was not my decision. Although the ex would beg to differ. He would say something like "well we both made that decision"... And all I can think about in multiple situations with him when it came to decision making, even though he seemed content with my decision, he was not. It was always him convincing me to do things his way. And every time I did listen and give in, it blew up in my face. It was a cycle of destruction I could not continue for my mental sake.
       But Its what I get. Two of my close mentors said, "You put yourself in this position" in regards to listening to him. And I did. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so many times. Even when I knew there were red flags, I just ignored them. Even after the first year of being with him he threatened to take our girl away from me because of an argument. And when I wanted to leave and said I was done because of seeing these flags, I stayed because of the tantrums he threw. I feared what he would do if I were to ever try to leave again. And so, I stayed feeling trapped. I think back a lot to my relationship in wonder at times. The fact that by this time we were supposed to be married this year saddens me. 3 years of intensive therapy under my belt and all I wanted was him to self improve too. To grow with me. But there is no need for self improving especially if you think there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Or you do not take accountability for hurting someone else... Multiple times. Never really settling things. More so turning everything around on me. It. Was. Exhausting.
       The the lack of defense he had even for my life was uncanny. Then the blatant dismissal of our 4th unborn child... At the time of separation, I was pregnant. Only 4 people knew. My friend who visited me at the VA hospital, my sister, the doctor & my ex. And when I told him about the pregnancy he looked at me with the blankest of stares and said "okay". In a tone that screams 'so what am I supposed to do about it'. To feel so dismissed and isolated coming from a controlling relationship... I aborted it. Confidently. I was not about to be in Vegas, pregnant and having my mind fucked with with no Ohana around to help. I was NOT about to keep myself in that position. But I stay strong. And have been.
       People would never know until now that I cry about every day. And to say I am a Marine Veteran sometimes lacks meaning to anyone else. Because I cry. I feel. A lot. And being brokenhearted does not diminish my being a Marine Vet. Or a Fitness Athlete. Or a Wahine in Media. I pride myself of specific accomplishments in my life because I have to. Because If I don't remind myself of them and how far I have come, I would be a mess & depressed. Hell, I am a mess at times going thru these emotional waves. And now that I am in Vegas, it will be hard for me to go to the beach to see the waves. A relaxation for me. My nature self that I have to find again. In the dessert. And I guess until I do, I continue to cry, detox & heal.
       I was told that it takes half the amount of years we were together to heal from a relationship. For me, that is 3 years. I mean what will I do with myself for the next 3 years? I know... Focus on my little girls... Focus on even more Self-Improvement... Get involved in the Community however I can... Continue my path of Fitness & Healthy living... And Pray. A Lot. If it is one thing that is needed it is Prayer. Continued Faith. Continued Action. And because I am in a new place (1yr in) it means doing instead of just talking. So I pray I continue to find the ambition to keep moving. To Stay Positive. And to reach out when I need to.
       I like to end my posts now and forever with a Prayer... I pray, Lord, God, Akua, Universe that I continue my Endeavors confidently. I pray that only the good be instilled in my life and the negative find their way out. I pray that I find the Peace I need to not only Heal but to be Open for Love the next time it is presented. I pray that my girls see how much I love them and how much I had to endure to make sure they have the structure they need. I pray my girls also be led in the positive lights and excel in all they will do. I pray for continued ambition to seek my goals and complete them. I also pray for more protection, guidance and abundance. Travel abundance. Life abundance. Financial abundance. So that I can feel the success of Life the way You see fit Lord. Lastly, I pray for the Healing of my Heart. That the pain I feel every day will fade and my true self be presented. I Pray All These Things In Gods name. Amen.



 Poetic Vibes by Lady:

If I were to rewind our hands in time
I would have saved myself from you
I would have been mindful
Re-Reading you before giving myself to you
The ‘in love’ talk came on early 
I still needed time to see
How serious you were about me
Everyone expects me to be material
Light skin pretty hair perfect body kind of gal
It gets so trivial
I just want everyone to let me be
I never knew all you would say
Would be anything but a dream come true
Empty promises time and time
Like a preacher who speaks the words
Like a fisherman drawing me in
Throwing the meaning out
It is a cycle between us that has hurt since...
I have no clue when
So now I stop counting then
If I were to rewind our hands in time
I would have saved myself from you
I would have been mindful
Re-Reading you before giving myself to you