The Effects of Her Affect
Aloha All,
This Kakahiaka I wake up feeling the way I do sometimes... Confused and unsure about what went on in my foster life to get me here. And my feelings, they are geared toward my foster Ohana. Mainly, my foster mother.
I think back after waking this way many times throughout my Life and wonder how things gotten so bad with us by asking myself time and time again; "how did we get here", "what did I do so bad that makes you hate me" and even wondering if she wanted me at all. The conclusion always is the same... No. Truly, she never wanted me. She was only in it for the money and control. And once she found out I couldn't be controlled, she found ways to retaliate in her own scandal way.
You see, throughout my life there were always moments of asking myself these same questions. One question in particular; "Am I Ever Going to be Good Enough for her/them?" sticks in my mind. Because over the years, my childhood and life in my 20's led me to believe this. Its not because I'm randomly coming up with things about her, its simply because she has repeatedly shown me & said things to me that led me to my conclusion that I wasn't good enough. She has repeatedly tried to control, manipulate and guilt me into her ways. And every time I resisted, something else came to surface by her 'behind the back' retaliations. Needless to say, our timeline is not a great one.
The times that I needed her the most emotionally, she looked away. The times I called for advice, she left me feeling worse. The times I stopped what I was doing in my life to see that she was okay, didn't matter. I mean, even asking her once to have $200 to get on my feet was a pain because she left me feeling guilty for asking. And this was something simple, something any true mother or father would have been grateful to help out with. To be able to be there genuinely for their child without any repercussion.
When all was good in Cali before I had my first child, she told me I was going to have my child taken away and my man was going to leave me. Then went as far as to tell me my childs ultrasound photo was "Ugly... You are going to have a ugly baby". In my mind, why would you ever wish anything like this on me? What did I Do Now? And to top it off, just recently (2016) when I think I'm doing good by my Only Older Blood Sister for her manipulation of a wedding, She finds the time, one out of many, to call me and tell me I'm playing mind games followed by very ungracious curse words as I stand speechless in front of my hotel in San Diego.
So when does her mental abuse stop? I have come to realize now that it never will. I have also realized that It is me that can put a stop to it. And I did.
Its been a year now since I actually spoken to her and it hurts because I know how much I love her. Now after so many years of enduring her control over my mind, I have finally pulled away and found that my Love for her is dwindling. But even though I have pulled away, the effects of bitterness are still there. Lingering. Leaving me with dreams of unhappiness. Leaving me feeling that I have no Ohana to turn to. Leaving me feeling like that helpless little girl I once was.
But I'm not that little girl anymore. I am a Strong Wahine with a Loving Ohana & A Man that will Go To No End To Ensure my Happiness. I Am Blessed to Have Come This Far. I Am Proud I Have Come This Far. And I Made It, Without Her. Only time will tell whether she comes around or not but I'm definitely not holding my breath. From these effects, I am left with the conclusion... I Forgive You & I Am Better Off Without You. Mentally, Spiritually & Emotionally.
So as I conclude this blog of thoughts, I just Pray that all the bitter daughters out there find Forgiveness & Peace within their self to know, it is not you... I was never you. Keep striving for the Life You Seek. Because Only YOU can live out your potential. Not anyone else.
- Lady
This Kakahiaka I wake up feeling the way I do sometimes... Confused and unsure about what went on in my foster life to get me here. And my feelings, they are geared toward my foster Ohana. Mainly, my foster mother.
I think back after waking this way many times throughout my Life and wonder how things gotten so bad with us by asking myself time and time again; "how did we get here", "what did I do so bad that makes you hate me" and even wondering if she wanted me at all. The conclusion always is the same... No. Truly, she never wanted me. She was only in it for the money and control. And once she found out I couldn't be controlled, she found ways to retaliate in her own scandal way.
You see, throughout my life there were always moments of asking myself these same questions. One question in particular; "Am I Ever Going to be Good Enough for her/them?" sticks in my mind. Because over the years, my childhood and life in my 20's led me to believe this. Its not because I'm randomly coming up with things about her, its simply because she has repeatedly shown me & said things to me that led me to my conclusion that I wasn't good enough. She has repeatedly tried to control, manipulate and guilt me into her ways. And every time I resisted, something else came to surface by her 'behind the back' retaliations. Needless to say, our timeline is not a great one.
The times that I needed her the most emotionally, she looked away. The times I called for advice, she left me feeling worse. The times I stopped what I was doing in my life to see that she was okay, didn't matter. I mean, even asking her once to have $200 to get on my feet was a pain because she left me feeling guilty for asking. And this was something simple, something any true mother or father would have been grateful to help out with. To be able to be there genuinely for their child without any repercussion.
When all was good in Cali before I had my first child, she told me I was going to have my child taken away and my man was going to leave me. Then went as far as to tell me my childs ultrasound photo was "Ugly... You are going to have a ugly baby". In my mind, why would you ever wish anything like this on me? What did I Do Now? And to top it off, just recently (2016) when I think I'm doing good by my Only Older Blood Sister for her manipulation of a wedding, She finds the time, one out of many, to call me and tell me I'm playing mind games followed by very ungracious curse words as I stand speechless in front of my hotel in San Diego.
So when does her mental abuse stop? I have come to realize now that it never will. I have also realized that It is me that can put a stop to it. And I did.
Its been a year now since I actually spoken to her and it hurts because I know how much I love her. Now after so many years of enduring her control over my mind, I have finally pulled away and found that my Love for her is dwindling. But even though I have pulled away, the effects of bitterness are still there. Lingering. Leaving me with dreams of unhappiness. Leaving me feeling that I have no Ohana to turn to. Leaving me feeling like that helpless little girl I once was.
But I'm not that little girl anymore. I am a Strong Wahine with a Loving Ohana & A Man that will Go To No End To Ensure my Happiness. I Am Blessed to Have Come This Far. I Am Proud I Have Come This Far. And I Made It, Without Her. Only time will tell whether she comes around or not but I'm definitely not holding my breath. From these effects, I am left with the conclusion... I Forgive You & I Am Better Off Without You. Mentally, Spiritually & Emotionally.
So as I conclude this blog of thoughts, I just Pray that all the bitter daughters out there find Forgiveness & Peace within their self to know, it is not you... I was never you. Keep striving for the Life You Seek. Because Only YOU can live out your potential. Not anyone else.
- Lady
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